| blank |
[26 Jul 2009|04:12am] |
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"And I never thought this life was possible
You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for
The end of paralysis, I was a statuette
Now I'm drunk as hell on a piano bench
And when I press the keys it all gets reversed
The sound of loneliness makes me happier"
|
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| You're the only proper noun I need. |
[14 Jul 2009|02:26am] |
|
As far as the whole Brandon deal went a couple entries ago... As soon as I saw him I knew I was completely over him. I think I just needed that closure, ya know? Like, we broke up over the phone, and I never saw him again. Even though it had been a long time, I think no matter how long, everybody needs some sort of closure. It was nice. And now he is getting married, and I'm happy for him. Word.
And as far as school goes, I switched majors to Health Care Administration and still hate school in general. I will probably hate it. But I don't want to drop out, and it's really the only other thing that sounded remotely decent. I just want to be fucking done with it. I want to graduate, move across the country, and start fresh. Seriously.
Well. Let's see. I turned 21. My birthday was pretty alright. I appreciated everybody that came out to Blue Rock to help me celebrate. Even though at one point, some friends came, only to find me vomiting in a trash can. But that's part of a 21st birthday, right? Right. Also, I was very amused to see a homeless black man masturbating to a Victoria's Secret magazine. I mean, it was disturbing as hell, and disgusting as fuck, but HIL-arious.
The whole apartment thing, yeah. Not so much. Moved back into my parents. There was just a lot of shit wrong with it. Our landlord sent us a notice on the 6th, saying that if we didn't pay $385 by the 14th we had to leave the premises. Which, I mean, I'm fine with that, I was going to leave anyway. But, first of all, we only owed him $255 for this month. Secondly, when Kara and I moved in, Rick said he would take care of the $255, no problem, since he was moving in that month and Kara and I had already paid for the first month, which was more than that. So, since Rick dicked us over, and didn't have the $255, we may have to go to court. Which I really hope not. I feel like a complete dick towards Kara though. Completely shitty. All day I have just felt overwhelmed, apathetic, worthless and like an asshole.
Also, I quit my job. I know it was a completely stupid decision, but I would have probably gotten fired anyway. And I seriously fucking hate working at Lowe's. I hate it. I would seriously walk inside of that building and automatically hate life, and/or feel insane. I'm not even joking. And most of the time somebody pissed me off. And the fact that some fucking idiot kid that barely knows what the fuck he's doing got promoted after being there for three months, and knowing that he's making more than money, drives me fucking nuts. God damn, that company is fucked. But yeah, anybody know of any jobs, hit me up.
Some current bullshit went down lately, but it is over and I'm glad. Just please, please, don't lie to me. Don't ever be afraid to tell me things. Seriously. Bests.
It sucks when people you adore and love seem to change. For the worst. But, I suppose life goes on. It's happened before, why not expect it anymore?
I went to Newport Aquarium Sunday. It was tight. I pet a shark. I saw some puffer fish, which are my favorite. Seriously, when I am older, like with a family and shit older, I want a salt water fish tank so badly. Prettiest fish, ever! Also, there is a part that shows a bunch of fish in the Ohio River. Disgusting. Seriously. Some of those fish are fucking gigantic and ga-rossssss. I'll never even stick my big toes in the Ohio River ever again. Not that I planned on it in the first place, cause it grosses me out and I hate water.
O, and I have an amazing boyfriend. Seriously. It's been a while since I've felt the way I do. Thank you.
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| You just have a nice ass. |
[30 Jun 2009|10:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Regina Spektor |
] |
I am sitting in my new apartment all by myself and have been for four hours. In the same spot. I got up once to pee and one other time to get some walnuts. Now I have walnuts in my retainer. And my butt hurts. And I keep hearing Covington's yell funny things outside. I hope my roommates get home soon.
Also, I might be smitten.
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| Venting time. |
[01 Jun 2009|10:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Four Walls" by Evan Bliss |
] |
Yeah, about how I never write in this. Whatever. Uhm, so school is getting a lot tougher. This month is my first month of actually occupational therapy classes and let me tell you, today was overwhelming. We have five fucking books. $418 worth of fucking books. That's just ridiculous to me.
Been trying to work more so Kara and I can move out. I think we found a roommate which is our good buddy Rick Thomas. Which is going to be ridiculous and hilarious.
So really. The reason I'm even writing in here. Is because I need to vent. I just need to say some things.
Brandon comes home this weekend. If you don't know, Brandon is the dude I fell fucking head over heals with two years ago. We only dated about six months, but in that six months, he went away for basic training (he had joined the air force before we even met), I waited six and a half weeks until I could even talk to him, paid lots of dollars to fly to Texas with his family to see him graduate, drove to Missouri to visit him, we broke up, never really got over it. Yeah. It's been two years. I still think about the dude. I'm not really sure if it's that I'm not over him or if it's that I miss what we had. Regardless, I think about him almost everyday (for the past two years.) And regardless, everytime I think about the fact that he'll be in Cincinnati on Saturday, my heart races and my stomach knots up. It's fucked.
I'm not like expecting him to come home and love me all over again. As far as I know, he still has a girlfriend that he met in Turkey. And for all I know, they could be going to the same place after he comes home. I don't know what I'm expecting. I think it'll be refreshing to see him. (We did agree that we would hang out while he's home.) I hope it doesn't make things worse. But I'm still just going to keep a positive outlook on it. I don't know, it's just something that's been on my mind so much lately. I always try to cover it up with drinking and trying to search for something/someone new, which is stupid. I've hurt myself and other people too much and need to learn when to stop. I don't know. Fuck.
I just want to get through school, graduate, and leave.
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| Stars |
[06 May 2009|11:35am] |
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I understand it's been a minute since I've updated. I guess I just stopped thinking about this thing. LET'S SEE........
I have been hanging out with this guy that started at my work lately. Like a lot. Like everyday, almost. Name, Jake. He's a really nice guy. I really like him. This morning I had a dream about Brandon. A really intense, real dream. Like, it was ridiculous. He had come home, and we hung out, I met him at his mom's house in Lebanon, his mom and I talked like we used to, him and I talked like we used to, he took me to the zoo, I even fucking twittered via cell phone during my dream, wtf. Yeah, it was really good. And although it kind of made me miss him, it kind of made me not? Also, I looked up what it could mean and one of the explanations was: "Similarities between this past relationship and situations now in the dreamer's life. Solutions to current difficulties may be resolved by the dreamer's remembering how he dealt with the ex-lover." And I mean, I realllyyyy like Jake, so maybe this is a sign that something great could happen between him and I? I don't know, but he is way different than me, opposites attract? We'll see.
My car broke yesterday. My mom thinks it's karma because Monday night I decided to go to Columbus (on a school night) with Kara, Allyson and Jake, to see Defiance, OH. I was the DD!
But seriously, I have been working a shit ton, lately. Last Sunday I went out, and my mom got pissed cause it was on a school night and told me that from now on I have to be home by 11:30 on school nights. Okay, what? I'm twelve years old. So the next day, I worked 11.5 hours and that week I came in on one of my days off and ended up working 39.58 hours last week because I want to move the fuck out. Yesterday I went in an hour early and was at work until midnight. I NEED HOURSSS. I really want to move out, so bad. UGHHHH, that means I am going to cut back on my booze funds.
Also, I didn't quit smoking. I did for six days, and then that sixth day was the day my mom made my mad by treating me like I'm twelve. Honestly, I probably won't quit smoking for a while, but maybe. I mean, I am definitely not buying my own cigarettes as much as I used to, or smoking as much in general. A whole pack lasts me almost a full week. And then I try to go as long as I can without buying them, and just bumming them from people sometimes, lol. But I'm sure that will get old soon enough. Whatever!
What else... Nothing really important. Nothing in my life really is important. My mom and I went yard saling at eight in the morning last Saturday, until noon, and it was hilariously great. I love my mom. Even if she does make me want to run away sometimes.
Love my friends, almost love life, keep it posi.
|
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| April 10, 2006. |
[10 Apr 2009|05:28pm] |
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It's been three years since my aunt Cheri passed away. I still think about and miss her almost everyday. We weren't even like best friends or anything, but she was definitely one of the greatest people I have ever met. Just an amazing human being, aunt, sister, wife, mom. I can't even begin to imagine how my cousins feel. It always makes me think about if anything were to happen to my mom. I think I might die. I just really wish it wasn't raining right now, because that doesn't help. It gross and depressing. I took a nap after work and had a dream with Cheri in it, which also didn't help. Fuck.
Also, fuck Lowe's. I want out of there, pronto. I was about to tell one of my managers to take all 40392 sodas I had to put up in top stock and shove them up her ass. I almost fell off a huge step ladder at work. And I couldn't breathe. I hate her, dude!
But me, I'm a single cell on the serpent's tongue
There's a muddy field where a garden was
And I'm glad you got away but I'm still stuck out here
My clothes are soaking wet from your brother's tears
And I never thought this life was possible
You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for
The end of paralysis, I was a statuette
Now I'm drunk as hell on a piano bench
And when I press the keys it all gets reversed
The sound of loneliness makes me happier
I love Bright Eyes. I wish I was rich. I want to move out, but am stalling at the same time. I want summer to be here.
I never update when I'm happy. What a drag.
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| You've got a fast car, I've got a job to pay all our bills. |
[20 Mar 2009|11:02am] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Baby, I'm An Anarchist" by Against Me! (Obviously not true!) |
] |
I'm pretty bad at updating this thing. My life just really isn't that interesting. I'll give you a rundown on the last/next couple of weeks of my life...
( Sweet life. )
So yeah, my life... Not to exciting, on the ril ril.
At least I'm bankin' and I should be able to move out by June like I want. That is if I find a decent apartment. I think I'm going to go with no roommates, because I don't want to have to worry about if they're going to pay rent or pick up after themselves. And I don't want to poop around anybody, really.
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| Monday |
[26 Feb 2009|07:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
I might punch my teacher today. Not really, ever, but I feel like I want to. We had a take home quiz on Tuesday, but I left early Tuesday and when I asked for the quiz he said he'd e-mail it to me. So... I waited... Nothing! I e-mailed him about it yesterday afternoon and got nooooothing back. I just checked my e-mail to see that he had e-mailed me the quiz at 1:30a.m.!!!!!!!! WTF! And all he said was, "I really forgot to check e-mail." First of all, you're a fucking teacher, make correct sentences. Secondly, fuck you. If he tries to take points off for this, I'm going to be livid.
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| FAT BOOZEDAY! |
[24 Feb 2009|03:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cold |
] |
I got some mardi gras beads at school today. (which sucked, btw, and I can never go to school again after a night of drinking.)
I've been hanging out with Kelsey Kalnow more, which is awesome, because I love her. I don't know why we didn't hang out more earlier, but I think it was mostly cause I didn't have my license.
Tonight is karaoke at blue rock and I'm pumped, as always. I love karaoke night.
I don't really have much to update about. I got my license back, so I'm a driving machine. I'm all done with court dates. I do have to go to camp allyn next weekend though, which is going to fucking blowwwwwww.
Apparently I fell hard last night (sorry,friends) because my hand has a nice boo boo on it, and my right arm & right side of my face hurttt.
My mom gave my dog a bath the other day and fell really hard in the process and has some sort of nerve damage. i feel bad for herz.
anyway! bye!
come to blue rock tonight for karaoke! bye!
|
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| I wish my chips weren't almost gone. |
[31 Jan 2009|05:54am] |
|
fuck little boys and their little boy thoughts. stupid.
"FEBRUARY 15TH (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME)"
i am supposed to get my license back monday.
we are "supposed" to get 5 - 15 inches of snow monday.
fuck.
SOME DECISIONS YOU DON'T MAKEEEEEEEEEEEE.
i want to drive again.
on country roads.
with allyson.
yeah there are some things you can't fake.
well. i guess, that it's typical to cling to memories
you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs
of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
i did that today.
badnewsbears.
MISSOLDTIMES.
LOVENEWTIMES.
fml.
i hate.
i love.
i want.
i hate.
thank you for talking, i needed to.
i liked you.
i feel like you fucked with me.
we'll see what happens i guess.
i wished people cared for me
missed me
loved me
i'll never like another boy again.
i just dropped chips in my cleve.
oh no, third eye blind. :[
lol, fml
i wish i was with: allyson, kara & lee
more than anything right now.
|
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| I wish my heart wasn't so big and vulnerable. |
[28 Jan 2009|09:37pm] |
|
I felt you in my legs, before I ever met you
and when I laid beside you for the first time, I told you,
"I feel you in my heart, and I don't even know you"
and now we're saying bye, bye, bye.
-------
Literally, from the time I woke up today, until... still... I have had a headache. At one point, I was crying because it hurt so bad. It's not as bad anymore, because I took a bunch of medication, but now I just have this pressure on my whole head. And since I'm a hypercondriact, I'm freaking out thinking something is terribly wrong with me. If it's still like this tomorrow, I'm going to urgent care, and if you know me, you know it takes a lot for me to go to the doctor. It doesn't help that my chest pains have been coming and going the past few days. And I've just been straight up sick since Monday. Damn, I'm all kinds of fucked up.
Tomorrow I have court at 10:30a.m. I'm nervous that my car won't start and I won't have a way there. My car likes to not start sometimes when it's really cold out, and my mom won't be home to give me a ride. If anybody wants to be a doll, and maybe be my back-up plan, I would love that. I would just need to you be at my house by like 10a.m., and I really doubt I'm going to find anybody to do that.
I wish my heart wasn't so big and vulnerable. It's stupid.
I took the longest bath of my life, today. My whole hands were prunes, but it was relaxing. I also heard the new Lil Wayne song on the radio right before that, and I was not impressed. At all. Hmmm...
I think I am going to get sucked into American Idol this year, and that sucks.
Anddd, I have no had one cigarette all day. But that's about to change.
Fuck it!
I really want to watch the Notebook, but I can't find it. :[
I want a Noah.
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| It's a different situation. |
[16 Jan 2009|01:55am] |
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Seriously, in love with Tegan and Sara. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
Today, I let some feelings out that I have had in for a long time. It was somewhat a bust, but that's okay. I somewhat expected a bust, so it's okay. Friends forever, I hope. Please! (Don't think he even reads this...)
Today was a long day. Next week is going to be rad. I am off of school AND work on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And I have all weekend off next weekend. Fuck yes, next week, come to me now!!!!!!
( Why do I feel like my goal this year is to make everybody as awkward as possible? )
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| Tell me if I'm yours. |
[14 Jan 2009|11:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
Last night was fun, fun, fun! Allyson came and got me and we went to Blue Rock for karaoke. Her, Kelsey and I sang "What Would You Do?" by City High. It was tight, hahaha. But yeah, fun as always. Then Allyson and I went back to her house and Dave came over and we all hung out for a while. Hung out at Allyson's all day today. More fun. Went to Beanhaus in Covington to watch John play. Hung out with Ryan for a while, and he took me home, cause I guess he's kinda cool. Now I have been home for a good while, and haven't started on my homework yet. About that....
( Do this. )
( Survey. )
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| I just want back in your head. |
[13 Jan 2009|05:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hyper |
] |
| [ |
music |
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TEGAN & SARA!! |
] |
I am just now getting around to listen to the new Tegan & Sara album. I don't know how long it's been out, but I wish I would have listened to it sooner. I love it, a lot!
Today has been decently productive. For me, at least. I mean, I didn't even nap today, which is usually a must! I went to school, which sucked as usual. Came home, did some Wii Fit (and I can feel it), treated myself to some Guitar Hero for the first time in a long time, vaccumed, dusted, did my homework and did a shitload of laundry! I am extremely hungry right now, but I can't eat yet because my mom is planning on making dinner very soon, so I don't want to spoil my dinner. I really want to go to Target, because I have a gift card for there, and I want to buy some hair dye and dye my hair. Until I do that, I can't shower, and I really want to get in the shower. Hmmm! I also want to go to karaoke at Blue Rock tonight and have fun with friends, so take me there!!!!!!
TWENTY DAYS TIL I GET MY LICENSE BACK!!!!!!!!!
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| Monday. |
[05 Jan 2009|07:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 okay |
] |
Happy New Year, bitches. Mine was fucking fantastic. Spent it at Bikehaus with a lot of people I love the most. Kara, Allyson, Lee, John, Troy, Amanda, Kelsey, Micah, Mike, Mitch, Jerry, shit dude, just everybody! I love those fucking people so much and constantly miss them.
ONLY 27 MORE DAYS UNTIL I GET MY LICENSE BACK!!! I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT.
Started school back up today. I did NOT miss waking up at seven a.m., freezing. My class was boring as all hellz. Introduction to Microcomputers. I mean, really, I know a lot about computers already. Spare me. I almost fell asleep, so I started painting on Microsoft paint. Sweet, college.
Sometimes I hate how lazy I am. Sometimes I don't give a fuck. I wouldn't be as lazy if I had my license, though. I would be out doing things right now. It's really unmotivating when the only thing you can do/drive to is school, work and community service. I should be at community service right now. Instead I came home and napped after school. Now I'm warm and cozy and don't want to get out of bed. The only reason I would want to get out of bed is to hang out with somebody sweet. Somebody, hang out with me. I'm hungry.
My mom just handed me a $25 gift card to Target. It was one of my Christmas presents but she misplaced it, hahaha! I also got my hundred dollars from Laurie, which I handed to my mom. Except, I realized I'm the one that has to cash it, obviously. Then I will hand it to my mom. Suck.
My car is a serious peice of shit. It didn't start for a minute again today. Luckily after I opened the hood and pretended to look at it, like I knew what was wrong with it, it started. Sweet.
I have been trying to not bite my nails, and have been doing pretty good so far! It's weird because I can feel them on the keyboard right now and it feels funny. I need to repaint them, because it is so tempting (sick) to bite them off when they're not all the way painted.
One thing that makes me excited is hanging out with new people. One, because I used to be really weird about hanging out with new people, and would never do so. I would always stick to the same four people one-on-one, and only hang out with everybody else if it was in a social gathering. RUDE! Now, I'm totally pumped for hanging out. Most of the time.
Two, because it's new people! I love making new friendz! YEAH!
My week sucks, dude.
Today - School. I was going to do community service but didn't. So I guess today wasn't too bad.
Tuesday - School. Community service. Work. Somebody hang out with me after work on Tuesday (11p.m.) because I'm off Wednesday.
Wednesday - All I really have to do is some community service sometime before four p.m. Not bad!
Thursday - School. Community service? Work.
Friday - Community service. Work.
Dang, dawg.
Just because you have a fohawk doesn't make you good at fighting.
<3
Are you dating the person that texted you last?
That would be Nick Ingram, and that would be a no.
What were you doing at 12 o' clock last night?
Sleeping. Or about to be sleeping.
Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
Uhm... My dog? I think the last person was Michael, when we were dating.
Do you talk to yourself?
Oops.
Who knows a dark secret or two about you?
Noneya.
How long is your hair?
Getting longer.
Does someone like you that you don't like?
I don't know.
I hope not, that might be awkward!
What are you listening to?
Well... To be completely honest... "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. I fucking love this song.
:x
Who did you last hug?
Uhm... I don't know! Weird. I forget.
What are you wearing?
Jeanz, sweater, hoody. And underz.
:x
What instant messaging service do you use?
AIM, duh.
Whose house did you go to last NIGHT?
My own?
Do you like green beans?
Sick. No.
Do you swear a lot?
Guilty.
Where did you get the shirt you' re wearing?
I have no idea. The hoody is from a show, though.
Have any regrets?
Yeah.
Do you use an alarm clock?
My cellphone.
Do you want to be in a relationship right now?
Erm. If it didn't end up being a shithole within a month.
Where are you?
My bed.
Do you ever snort when you laugh?
Guilty. Oops.
Are you a social or antisocial person?
I'd say social.
Are you spoiled?
Most people are, I think.
Did you miss someone today?
Erryday.
What is your all-time favorite romance movie?
Er... I dunno!
Do you believe in this saying; What goes around comes around?
I think so.
Do you like anyone right now?
Food.
Do you want to get married?
Maybe.
How many kids do you want?
I dunno!
What does your 28th text say?
Why am I honestly going to count this? I suck.
"Good morning, toots. have fun at skool." - Allyson. What a babe.
Whos it from?
Oh, I already answered that.
BAM!
I WANT SOMEBODY TO FUCKING CUDDLE WITH.
|
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| For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic |
[30 Dec 2008|07:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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PARAMORE! |
] |
Last night was pretty fun. It's always nice seeing the Eastgate crew! They crack me up. After Ryan's, a bunch of us went to Perkin's. It was Bill, Nick, Sara, Tyler, Lucas, Lacie and Trent. It was a little strange to me, just because I never hang out with them all, but it was fun! Then we all parted ways and Bill and I actually hung out, which never happens, so that was fun.
YEAH! I just decided that I might have a crush on Haley from Paramore. :x
WHAT IS/ARE YOUR NEW YEAR RESOLUTION(S)???
|
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| Lawrence Armssss! |
[25 Dec 2008|06:46pm] |
|
I wonder where you'll be bringing in the new year.
As midnight clocks are singing,
good chance I'll be slobbering somewhere.
Probably pass out, wasted, and sleeping until the smoke clears.
Vague memories of midnight flash in tune to morning sunlight.
Wake up knowing you'll never be there.
I've got 100 resolutions, but I've got no solutions.
I've got one song I write 100 times.
And only a dozen or so rhymes.
This year I'll try not to drink so much.
This year I'll try to stand up straight.
This year let's live liked we've never lived before,
this is our year for sure.
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| OMG |
[24 Dec 2008|10:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
grateful |
] |
I am on my iPod touch!!!!!!!!!! Yes yes yes
|
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| Merry Christmas |
[24 Dec 2008|05:02pm] |
|
My Christmas Wish List:
SOMEBODY WORTH WASTING MY FUCKING TIME ON.
I got dumped on Christmas Eve.
Via text message.
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